There is but one tween girl I see at work who is yet to succumb to the vice-like grip of Bieber fever. The rest of them love him to the point of madness. One gives me regular updates on the shrine she has been creating at home. I've kept old magazines back to help her, in fact. What a despicable facilitator I am.
Anyway, by and large these are quite nice kids, which is a shame because from what I can gather he's an annoying little toerag with some worryingly misogynistic tendencies. Have you seen the music video for Baby
? Of course not, you are a discerning human person. But I get up of a morning to do half an hour of soul destroying cycling on my flatmate's exercise bike and have been known to whack on MTV Hits to accompany me, so I've seen it Twice
. (Twice). And I am here to tell you that Sir Justin of Bieber has all the makings of a sex pest.
The video opens inoffensively enough at the bowling alley, which segregates girls and boys as is traditional. Bieber sizes up the fillies for a few moments before selecting his favourite to show off at. Then, with what I assume is supposed to be a cheeky wink he bowls a strike as if to say "phwoar
(or whatever the American equivalent is - probably 'damn' but pronounced 'day-um'), I'd knock her pins down
." By which he means penetrate her. Sexwise.
The girl in question, or 'Chosen One' as Bieber likes to think of her, responds by knocking all of her pins down in one go also. She thereby squashes him and his child-size libido. Naturally this only serves to make her more attractive, seeing as he can usually get any girl he wants merely by entering the room.
He proceeds to embark upon a campaign of fear to get the girl, grabbing her by the lapels and pulling her towards him when she avoids his attempts to engage her gaze. When she pushes him away he continues to invade her space, plucking at her sleeve and following her around the room like a clingy toddler being left at nursery for the first time. At one stage he even does a sausage roll across a pool table to get to her more quickly, rudely disrupting a game in the process. She remains stonily disinterested, but for how long?
As he proceeds to take over the entire bowling alley, pitting his crew against hers in a breakdance battle and posing all over the alleys so nobody can bowl anymore, it seems that the horror has made her hysterical. She appears to be constantly on the verge of breaking out in giggles. Or maybe she is coming round to his way of thinking? Surely not. This must be Stockholm Syndrome
It is about this time that Ludacris
gets involved, talking about his first love, who he met at the tender age of thirteen. The fact he is reliving this whilst hanging around a bowling alley with a bunch of twelve year olds could be construed as sinister, were it not counterbalanced by the fact that at one stage he gets the Bieber in a headlock. It seems that only death will release all those kids from the bowling alley, and better it be the one death of Bieber by headlock than about a hundred breakdancing themselves to oblivion in a bizarre homage to The Red Shoes