I'm about to tell you a story about something that happened a couple months ago. or maybe it was just one. I don't know. I have a total shit concept of time.
It was a humid thursday afternoon in this typically horrid midwestern summer and I had switched shifts with a coworker to be off work for the evening. A really great band, Girl in a Coma
, was actually playing in Alton and I would of never forgave myself for not seeing them. So I did.
I show up early after countless harassing phonecalls from Jason and Sarah demanding that I show up at once to stare at the streetcorner with them I guess until the show actually started. They were drunk already with Dave (surprise, surprise) and wanted someone to bother for a while. There were some local emo-ish teeny bands opening up so we spent most of the evening slamming warm beer in the nearest alley during their sets. Livin' the dream, I know. Cause fuck all that. This place allowed re-entry and i was determined to take full advantage of it. Before I realized it, I don't even know how many cases of beer were roaring through our veins and I was completely ass out shit faced wasted out of my skull. Yeah, I'm the only asshole on earth who forgets that drinking makes you drunk...
Girl in a Coma, who's acronym I find hilariously similar to the noise one would make while getting punched in the stomach, (say it with me "GIAC!" its fun!) finally went on and they were awesome. I even drunkenly bounced my way through the circle pit of teenage boys. go me! until for the next two weeks I had to explain why I looked like I lost a barfight and that yes, I'm still taking my iron supplements.
After the show, me and some friends are just kind of staggering around the front of the building where across the street Girl in a Coma is packing their shit into their van and I casually mention to Jason that Phanie is hot. I mean, they're all cute. I don't know why I singled her out just then and there but I also don't know why I chugged more beers than I can count in about 2 hours time either. Regardless, it was a random drunken observation that I never
should have made. He wanders off and I continue bullshitting with people until I hear it. It's Jason. He went across the street and Is loudly
exclaiming to them, "HEY! my LADYFRIEND!
(pointing at me) over here wants to know sakjhflksdhf" I couldn't make out exactly what he said, or maybe I just blocked it out of my memory as I'm sure Its something that would wildly upset me. It was a big day for him. I think he embarrassed me more at that very moment than he ever has in our entire friendship. That's a major accomplishment for this man. So, of course, I set right in to finish the job. I remember walking to the curb, teetering back and forth on it while screaming obscenities at him and demanding that he get back over here. during which he actually did get me to point her out as the one I mentioned. Ouch. At least I think that's what he was asking me. At that point in the night I probably couldn't of told you my street address or my mother's maiden name. What I forgot to mention is that after reaching that point of total inebriation, we all kept drinking. But when you're already that much of a trainwreck it doesn't even make a difference anymore. You might as well put a lampshade on your head and cry to someone about how your 4th grade teacher was mean to you or whatever else trivial bullshit people for some reason find important and worth discussing when they're hammered drunk.
He finally returns and laughs about stealing their merch girl's pen. So I'm like "You fucking dick, take It back. that's retarded." "why don't you?" "...Fuck." After forgetting that the last 5 minutes even happened and that I'd do best to just call it a night and sleep this shit off, I stumble my happy ass across the street. I would compare that experience with playing live action frogger only you're entirely covered in novocaine. I return the trifling ass pen and hang on to the parking sign for dear life while I swayed back and forth and apologized for Jason "who's a dick but not really but yes he is but whatever, you know." Then I forget why I'm even over there and start just rambling like a fucking idiot about anything and everything that popped into my beer-soaked little brain and high fiving them to an obnoxious degree. Their next set was in Chicago the next night where I happened to be going because an old friend from my California days was working a tattoo convention up there and did my arm for super cheap, which i explained to them a hair pulling amount of times and promised to catch their set, which I didn't make and I'm sure they were relieved about.
Honestly, they were very nice and listened politely to the garbage that was spewing out of my mouth. If I were in their shoes I would of probably told me to get fucked or at least to go sleep that shit off, long before I realized I was probably boring/bothering the hell out of them and decided to stagger back across the street. When you'd think my friends would have mercy on me and put me in a bed somewhere. But no. They dragged me around town till the wee hours of the morning getting me drunker and drunker and drunker. I even face planted in my own driveway when we got home. and not just a little stumble, stumble, sliiiiiip type of thing. No, I swung the car door open like the thing was on fire and just ate gravel like I honestly had every intention of smashing my face into the ground.
Woke up later that morning to the excruciating pitch of my alarm with a dirty scratched up face and my hand meat fully exposed. It was all like "your life's a joke!" I'm like "I know. I suck." You know you done fucked up when your hand meat gives you a talkin to. And that was one fuck of a road trip, oh my god. I'm thoroughly convinced I was still wasted for the majority of it. I did get a badass tattoo out of it all though. and a really funny story. I could
have just kept this all to myself, never told a soul and kept a little sliver of my pride but that's not how I roll. motherfucker, I told everybody I knew about what kind of an ass I made out of myself. I even told people I don't know. I'm even telling you. Self deprecating humor is definitely something I excel in. One of the only things, really. It takes a certain something to want others to laugh at how much you suck. And by god, I've got it.