• The noise. And the quiet.

    9 août 2012, 22h50m

    It comes without warming. It is, as they say, the calm before the storm. It's like Phil Collins said, it's in the air tonite.

    The madness, the treachery, the hatred and then the regret. It comes without warning, and then it's there, and it's bare.

    It consumes me, the yelling.
    The spite, the anger, the insanity.
    Its there, always breaming beneath the surface.

    It's noise. Then it's quiet.
    It's madness.

    Perhaps it's time for alimony?
    Phil Collins
    In The Air Tonite
  • It makes sense. Sometimes.

    14 jui. 2012, 22h42m

    Haven't posted on these walls In a long while. I guess things have been good. I've been on the up and I've also been on the low. I've seen death, and I have created some life, and it's coming, again.

    Just had a conversation with a dear old friend, and we recollected and remembered, of that time together, that time, in that foreign city. We reminisced that experience together. That time when things fell apart.

    She was there, and she saw and witnessed. What struck me the most, from this conversation, was her objectivity, and her testimony of that time. In particular, how she characterized my state of mind, without judging me. She didn't play the judge. She didn't ridicule me or admonish. She was cultured throughout the occasion, and all the while, while I never expressed apology, for the things that i said to her, though I have carried the quiet embarrassment of the words that I said to her. Of the words that my clouded mind can remember.

    Throughout, and since then. Our paths haven't crossed. She has remained a distant friend, or rather, a friend in the distance, watching me, and praying for me.

    The simplicity and the good nature of her friendship is overwhelming, to have such a friend, who comforts and reassures at this time, when perhaps, i had caused her some personal grief. Her friendship is, simply awesome. It is just that, awesome.

    Perhaps now, more than any other time, I have come to terms with this affliction, of that spiritual revelation/enlightenment disguised as temporary madness. Though I fear it, and I struggle to accept is a part of my being, of my life. I have come to accept that it is, in fact, who I am, it is part of my collective consciousness. It is my life.

    She has persuaded me to write more, to post my thoughts, my conversations with myself, and with God. To record my questions, my questions of the cosmos, questions of my existence, of my belonging, questions of nature, of my nature, and my experience. Perhaps, one day, this life, my life, will make sense. And not only just, sometimes.

    Erykah Badu
  • I'll be waiting in line. Just to see if you can. Come alive.

    9 mai 2011, 8h18m

    Its been a rough month. And a good month at the same time. My brother came through, having not seen him in so long, since about 3 years ago. He came home and we were together for a while. That was indeed good. Then someone decides to spoil everything. I don't know if its attention seeking, or plain desperation. But I have given up on ever trying to figure this person out, I willfully surrender to ever trying to rationalise her behavior. And I will not allow myself to be played into her twisted misery, whatever the cause or the intention. There are three things important to me right now, my kids, my life, and my family.

    I despise anyone who tries to ruin a good moment. I spent time with my family, and my mother was happy after such a long time for part of her brood to be together in the same household at the same time. Nothing can ruin that fortune for her, and nothing really should. If you cannot understand that, then you need to examine your whole perspective, I dont live for chance, and I cannot accept the insecurities of people who wish to be first in everything, and who have no place for other people's happiness.

    Anyway, thats that. There are so many things to look forward to in life, that was that moment. Right now, I found out today that Coldplay are coming to our shores in October. Thats the best news, and thats something I have been waiting forever for. Thats another moment that I am going to treasure. And thats the news for the day.

  • The dreams. In the morning

    24 fév. 2011, 12h45m

    I've been having these hectic dreams lately, and always in the morning just before I wake up. So vivid and seemingly surreal and real. I wake up in a cold sweat, and half dazed but after a while, I'm so full of life and revitalized. It almost seems like its my mind's way of Yoga, some mental gymnastics to stretch my perceptions and perspective.

    I'm a little more relaxed now, I've given up on some of the realities that I used to pursue, I've accepted my state, my livelihood, my family and my choices. I'm dealing with remnants of the issues, and I'm calm, now.

    The reality is, and still is, that its hard growing up. I have more responsibility, and theres a lot that I'm responsible for. I have to watch over myself, and watch over those that are watching over me, I don't care much for those that are laughing at me. I'm grown.

    Even though I dream, and perspire, I wake up to this reality that is me. And thats the truth. That I'm still here. Taking care of home.

    Dave Hollister Chicago '85...The MovieTake Care Of Home
  • A perfect cusp of happiness. That could have been.

    17 nov. 2010, 20h00m

    I find myself stuck in a moment of soliloquy again. Thinking, smiling and remembering, how you used to call me every morning. 6 O'Clock , you would call me. I could feel your wide smile, over the phone, and remember the widening affection of your dimple. I could smell your scent, at dawn, that damn Gucci. That was the way to wake up. At 6 O'Clock in the morning. On the dot. Every morning.

    They say, you must have a reference point in life, you must have that moment in time when you know that your whole life changed. I have a multitude of those moments, in memory. Its also said, by them, that you can never forget your first kiss and your first love. But they never knew about us. They don't mention anything, of your first true love.

    I can't say that you were my first love, or that I was yours. There could have been somebody else, from your past, someone that you were devoted to, when you first knew love, and when love was new to you. What we had? Or perhaps, what I felt, what I reserve still, is an emotion of true conscience, conducted by a full orchestra, imagined by the universe, and the stern stuff that dreams are made of. I could have sworn that this kind of emotion doesn't exist,that they make this up for TCM movies, or for those Mills and Boon novels that my sister used to read, and leave for me to read when she had done. I would have been wrong

    I woke up this morning. At 6 O'Clock I was up, with expectation. My phone didn't ring. I waited in anguish, half expecting you to call, and wishing that all that memory wasn't fantasy. That it wasn't all a dream. And as dawn cracked, it dawned on me that it was. A memory.

    I could have cried you know, but I'm a man. And men don't ever do that right? I have to face up to this path. Its thorny and rocky I know, but the memory and the memories that I speak of, they get me going, and I move on.

    Oh, and I didn't forget your birthday by the way. This year, or last year even.

    I could have called. I know. But I thought you had moved on, and I didn't want to cause you any confusion. I would have said something that could have been inappropriate to the one you're with. Or the one I'm with. So I silently raised a toast. And hoped that you were smiling, widely, with your dimples showing.

    Here's to you, babe. And to the perfect cusp of happiness. That could have been.
    I dedicate.

    Jill Scott
    Beautifully Human: Words and Sounds Vol. 2
    Cross My Mind

    So Far Gone
    Sooner Than Later
    Best I Ever Had
  • As a matter of fact. And thats the hardest part.

    9 mars 2010, 13h12m

    Two things happened this past weekend. There was a huge falling out in the household, things were said and people were hurt. From a simple matter that could have been resolved in an adult way, emotion took the course and the whole thing ballooned into what is now a crisis of conscience.

    I have now, a situation where I am seriously doubting the viability of this union. If someone cannot place themselves in the other person's shoes and feel for them before taking a particular course of action, then, where does that leave the relationship. The things that bind us can easily be unbound and loosened in the cusp of a brief moment of "temporary insanity". Thats what it is, right there. Temporary insanity. But now, if that brief phenomenon is revealed to a wider audience, and relayed to other ears, distorted and reworded. What happens then? Can the relationship / union be saved? If so, how?

    Another thing that happened, not caused by the former, or maybe it was, I still need to digest that, is that I made contact with a romantic liason from the past. Whom I have previously annotated about in these pages. For another brief moment, I was caught up in the past, reminiscing and for a long time after that, I was left feeling very nostalgic. Its a question that I have to face. What if that had happened in a different way? What if that was my one opportunity at happiness and I chose to go down a different path? Will those stars ever align again? Does everything else matter?

    I have chosen to underline the previous occurrence, as a matter of fact. There is so much that a person can take, and at some point in time, the string thats holding it all together is going to break. The saddest part, and the hardest part to accept, is that, I know that, that time will come, because, sad as it is, this union was probably never meant to last. And at some point, we will grow apart.

    And that kills me inside. As a matter of fact.

    ColdplayX&YThe Hardest PartSquare OneFix You
  • still here...outside. looking in.

    21 jui. 2009, 13h40m

    Its funny how, though much has changed...everything remains the same. I have hopped over to some new grounds, seeking a much greener pasture, but I find myself yearning for everything that I left behind. I cant seem to get any satisfaction.

  • Can I get off at the stop light? ok...maybe not.

    28 jan. 2009, 20h30m

    Another year has passed. It seems like yesterday though, and I have tried very hard to forget. The pain is gone now, I couldn't sleep for a while, had to take some drugs. Hey, nothing illicit man, prescription get me off and get me going again. Doctors orders.

    We parted, amicably. I got to say though, that it was the best time of my life, and then it was the worst time of my life. Now its back to the misery, but that is a harsh word. Simple is better, but I would take fabulous any day. It was so damn good. Pity it had to end.

    Hey, I might be leaving my current gig, wanna try something new, they say change is good, could be good for me too. In a lot of ways I'm still the same old person, but in a lot of ways I've changed. The world is changing too, I might as well do the same. But I'm slightly insecure, I've lost a bit of the old swagger, got a bit too much on my shoulders. Its heavy.

    We made up, in a way. Theres still a few nightmares along the way, but I suppose we will just have to get through them. There is very little in the way of choice. I still cant believe that a year has passed. And theres no getting off this one, because theres not gonna be a next one. After you? There is none.

    Kanye West808s & HeartbreakColdest Winter
  • Light. At the speed of Thought. Becomes you.

    19 fév. 2008, 9h08m

    The day is here,
    make good of it.
    Look not the saviour on the other side.
    Search yourself, find yourself, and;
    occasionally...lose yourself.

    To yourself, and to them too,
    they all want to listen,
    to you, to him, to her.
    Everyone is listening.
    Though they do not understand.

    Make it plain.
    Make a plan.

    Take a plane.
    and find them.
    And when you do.
    Look for yourself again.
    And Listen.
    To yourself.

    Kanye WestGraduationStrongerDaft Punk
  • The Pursuit of Happiness. And the fairy tale romance.

    12 fév. 2008, 12h19m

    So yesterday, and the day before rather, I was in Shakespeare's country. We drove over Stratford-upon-Avon and into the countryside. Past Cromwell and into the city lights of Coventry. I was taking it all in.

    I was struck by the serenity and the tranquility of the countryside. It was like being in the rain, with the raindrops curling and splashing down on your forehead as you head out of your grandma's house to play in the puddles. I was young again, and my mind was filled with wonder.

    Earlier on, I had cried. I leaned over to kiss my sister goodbye and she shed tears. We had never before shared the grief of her loss, those many years ago. I had been strong for her, and she had held back for so long, in slow wonder if I could ever be the promise that she knew I was. We have that connection to the past, me and her. We have a common sentiment in the regard for love and for family. So when I took her through my pain, and I shared with her the loneliness, she felt like she was in exile. She wanted me to know that.

    I promised to take care of the kids before. At the time, I was overcome with all these feelings which eventually led me under. She feels guilty for not having been there for me during those times. But she has a strong spirit. I know that to be true because through everything, she has remained strong and remained true to the person that she knows she is. She lives alone, but with friends. She never went to the healers in the same way that I did, she never spent a night in hospital, but she grieved and she got herself together for the sake of the kids.

    I have been a soldier for far too long. I have decided to let that go, soldiers die you know, they fight too long and they die, and all of their pain is lost when peace does come around. To wait for the peace would be to disdain the kindness of the hero that has lived before me. I have to be the hero now, but to be my own hero. To be my own saviour, but with the guidance of others.

    I have that clarity of mind now. To sit things through and to think things through.

    I have decided that, now, from this day forth, I will not bother to stop, I will carry the momentum forward, to find that eternal sunshine, and to find strength in her spirit, and come to be at peace with myself.

    It's hard growing up.

    So, as I crossed over Shakespeare's country, I realised that the happiness will come from within, and from my own resolve. I realised that the fairy tale will continue until the end, or until the end should come before my end.

    Amy WinehouseWill SmithWilleniumRain