mardi 12 Fév 2008, 7h19m
So yesterday, and the day before rather, I was in Shakespeare's country. We drove over Stratford-upon-Avon and into the countryside. Past Cromwell and into the city lights of Coventry. I was taking it all in.
I was struck by the serenity and the tranquility of the countryside. It was like being in the rain, with the raindrops curling and splashing down on your forehead as you head out of your grandma's house to play in the puddles. I was young again, and my mind was filled with wonder.
Earlier on, I had cried. I leaned over to kiss my sister goodbye and she shed tears. We had never before shared the grief of her loss, those many years ago. I had been strong for her, and she had held back for so long, in slow wonder if I could ever be the promise that she knew I was. We have that connection to the past, me and her. We have a common sentiment in the regard for love and for family. So when I took her through my pain, and I shared with her the loneliness, she felt like she was in exile. She wanted me to know that.
I promised to take care of the kids before. At the time, I was overcome with all these feelings which eventually led me under. She feels guilty for not having been there for me during those times. But she has a strong spirit. I know that to be true because through everything, she has remained strong and remained true to the person that she knows she is. She lives alone, but with friends. She never went to the healers in the same way that I did, she never spent a night in hospital, but she grieved and she got herself together for the sake of the kids.
I have been a soldier for far too long. I have decided to let that go, soldiers die you know, they fight too long and they die, and all of their pain is lost when peace does come around. To wait for the peace would be to disdain the kindness of the hero that has lived before me. I have to be the hero now, but to be my own hero. To be my own saviour, but with the guidance of others.
I have that clarity of mind now. To sit things through and to think things through.
I have decided that, now, from this day forth, I will not bother to stop, I will carry the momentum forward, to find that eternal sunshine, and to find strength in her spirit, and come to be at peace with myself.
It's hard growing up.
So, as I crossed over Shakespeare's country, I realised that the happiness will come from within, and from my own resolve. I realised that the fairy tale will continue until the end, or until the end should come before my end.