was telling me about a really stupid interview with the guys in Born of Osiris
. After having to suffer through seeing their live show, I thought that I should take a look at this interview for shits and giggles. I seriously think my IQ dropped a few points when I read this. They seem like such dumbasses through their (lack of intelligent) responses and stupid stories. They know nothing about metal, and they seem completely self obsessed as well.
So here is le interview of dumbassery with my commentary.
Okay, everybody introduce yourselves.
David Darocha: David. I play bass.
Joe Buras: Joe. I play keyboard.
Tosin Abasi: Tosin. I play guitar.
Cameron Losch: I’m Cameron, and I play drums.
Lee McKinney: I’m Lee, and I play guitar.
Me: la la la. I don't care about your names, but Tosin? What kind of name is that?
So this is going to be an interesting question right off the bat: do you guys hold it in, number 2-wise, until you get to a venue? I walked into the bathrooms in here, and it was pretty disgusting. I’m not going to lie.
LM: The bus?
No, the bathrooms here at the venue.
LM: Oh yeah, definitely. Here on the bus you can’t poop, you can only pee. So it’s like you drive all night and the first thing you want to do is just…
Me: TMI, I don't need to know about their shitting habits.
And what do you guys eat? Is it usually fast food?
DD: We get groceries usually if we stop at a WalMart and get some cereal. We have our own fridge and cabinets and shit to put stuff in.
CL: In past tours we ate a lot of fast food.
Me: How lame. If you're on such big metuhlzcore tours, then why the fuck can't you afford better food. They probably couldn't control their humongous fast food appetites, and they began to get fat, so their management said that they had to stop eating.
You guys have been on some pretty big tours as far as reputable bands goes. Who gets you these things? How do you guys fall into these positions, being so young and so new?
LM: Our agency.
Your agency? You guys have no hand in it?
LM: Our booking agency. It’s TKO. It’s Amanda Fiore and Ash Avildsen and our manager, Shawn Keith.
Me: *yawn* I don't really care about your agency. They probably paid the band like a few hundred bucks to get them to mention their little TKO agency
Do you guys set any rules for yourself? Any personal or band rules when you are on the road?
CL: Don’t get too fucked up before you play.
Okay. Anything else as far as food or women or partying or whatever goes?
LM: Whatever you want. You know?
Me: They shouldn't even get fucked up before they play. The stonery-ness doesn't fit in at all with their music. If it was Sleep
or Electric Wizard
then I would totally understand the importance of weed, but they're just young, dumb guys that don't deserve any of the hype that they are getting. They're trying to put on this image as though they are so "chill" and stuff and it's annoying. I sympathize with the interviewer, as he must have gotten extremely annoyed at this point.
What is your writing process like and how much weed does it involve?
JB: Cameron’s question.
CL: I just smoke weed all day, man, and write songs and record in my basement.
Really? Is that it?
CL: That’s it.
Then you just invite everyone else in later?
CL: Yeah. Sometimes I take mushrooms and write too [laughs].
Me: Blah blah blah Weed. Blah blah blah mushrooms. No wonder their songs are complete and utter shit along with their lyrics. If they quit the drugs then maybe they would write some decent songs.
What’s the difference between A New Reign and A Higher Place?
CL: The length.
Me: *dies* If that's the only way that they can describe the differences between the two albums, then maybe they should go back to elementary school and re-learn their adjectives.
But the sound is more melodic. Where’s that coming from?
LM: The New Reign songs are years old. The Higher Place songs are within the last couple of years.
CL: A New Reign was recorded in high school, and A Higher Place was recorded out of high school. You can hear the difference.
What year though?
CL: Senior year of high school we recorded A New Reign.
Me: Do they not understand that the interviewer is not asking what year they recorded their albums. He's asking about the shift in their sound. They're too scared to say that the shift in their sound was to become more commercial and appeal to hoards of dumb teenage boys and girls who are like "LyKe OmG DrAgOnFoRcE IS ReAllllllllLy ~melodic~ &&and now bOrN oF oSiRiS iS 2!!11!1"
That’s ridiculous. What are the positives and negatives about being discovered so young?
CL: I think a big positive is that we never had to do self-booked tours like a lot of bands had to go through that we know. We didn’t have to scrape through and pay for a lot of the things yourself. We were kind of very privileged to get a van and trailer fronted to us, and the album did well so it was all good with that.
LM: Negatives are people think that we’re too young and that we’re just kids so that’s why we might get blamed for a lot of things.
Me: Blamed for what? Ruining what people think of metal... yes.
LM: Like, I don’t know, just on tour that anything that we get in trouble for…
Anything that goes wrong, you’re like the red headed step child.
LM: Yeah, it’s like it’s the little kids.
DD: Even though it seems like we just got started, we have all been in bands. Even our local bands were pretty successful back before this in high school. It’s like we had experience.
Me: That makes no sense. Red headed step child, where the hell did he draw that analogy from... his ass? Y
Now I thought we’d play a little game, for shits and giggles. I am going to give you a choice between two people or objects, and you have to tell me which one you’d fuck. Got it?
DD: As a band, or individually?
It can be individually or as a band. If you guys want to get together and decide on one or the other, that’s fine.
So: Susan Boyle or a Pizza Hut P’zone?
DD: Who’s Susan Boyle?
You guys don’t know who Susan Boyle is?
DD: Not at all.
CL: Who the fuck is that?
She’s that old, ugly lady that was on America’s Got Talent. Not America’s Got Talent, the one over in Europe.
CL: Is she ugly?
Me: HE JUST FUCKING SAID THAT SHE WAS UGLY. >:( Was he not paying attention to any of this?
Yeah, she’s like huge and ugly. You guys got to look up a picture of her. You have to see what she looks like otherwise this isn’t going to work.
DD: Well both the options are shitty. That sucks. Is P’zone like boiling hot? Is it fresh out of the oven, hot as hell?
You know what? It’s whatever you prefer, man.
CL: Body temperature?
Could be leftovers right out of the fridge.
CL: Would Susan Boyle be dead or alive?
Me:Susan Boyle is alive obviously. It's seriously starting to get me angry that they're so stupid. Also, unless they're fans of cold pizza, then the pizone would be fucking hot.
LM: Oh, she’s that opera chick.
Is that a consensus?
DD: Yeah, that’s a consensus.
Me: Would that be as a band? Cause that would be really gay.
Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno or Gaahl of Gorgoroth?
You don’t know who Gorgoroth is? He’s super brutal and he just came out.
DD: Is Sacha Baron Cohen gay?
Me: How do they not know who Gorgoroth is? They're one of the most popular black metal bands out their. With the dispute of who owns the band name and all along with Gaahl being gay. Most people that are into metal know about them. BOS must be listening to too much Lil Kim...
Do you know Bruno the movie?
He plays a gay German guy.
DD: But is he really gay?
DD: Gorgoroth dude sounds a little too intense.
CL: I couldn’t even find him on Google. Is he a musician?
Me: The interviewer just told them that Gorgoroth is a band and that Gaahl is gay. What more do they need to know. You just go to google image search, type in Gaahl, and he's right there. It's not too difficult, anyone with half a fucking brain could do it, but apparently they aren't even intelligent enough for that.
DD: What’s he play?
You’re killing me right now. Alright, a little bit easier: Barbara Bush or Barbara Walters?
CL: Barbara Walters.
DD: I’ll say Walters. Actually, Bush is bragging rights.
Me: Wow they didn't even answer about Bruno or Gaahl.
Yeah, but so is Barbara Walters.
DD: Who cares about Barbara Walters?
LM: Let’s look at Barbara Bush. There’s Barbara Bush.
DD: Oh, whoa. Never mind.
CL: She’s fucking decaying.
DD: I thought that was the next generation down. I didn’t think it was the grandma.
Me: They should just pick one. It would make things go a lot faster. I'm sure at this point they were all getting bored of sitting there.
She was hot. Let’s move on. Close your eyes. Think of the craziest woman that you’ve ever met. Her or Glenn Danzig
TA: Who’s Glenn Danzig?
CL: Who the fuck is that?
Me: 0.o Danzig was on the Blackest of the Black Tour, and that's right up their alley.How the hell do they not know who he is, if not for that tour. I'd kind of understand if they'd never heard Mother
or something like that, but they probably went to that tour when they were in high school and recording their album.
You know what? You’re out. You’re done. You guys really need to school him.
TA: I didn’t know the first name. I just thought he was Danzig.
[Kristen Randall from Winds of Plague
walks on the bus]
Kristen Randall: Hi!
Kristen actually knows what’s going on right now. She knows who Glenn Danzig is.
KR: Glenn Danzig. Misfits.
TA: I’ve never heard The Misfits
in my life.
CL: I don’t give a fuck about those bands.
Me: Well I'm glad that at least Kristen knows who Glenn Danzig is...
You never heard The Misfits? This is bad news bears. Are you looking up a picture of Glenn Danzig?
LM: No, I’m trying to get Gorgoroth still.
Okay I got one more for you, and if you don’t know who the fuck this is, then no more Jager for you. Either a sack of potatoes or Dino Cazares?
DD: Mash the potatoes.
CL: Who’s that?
DD: Fear Factory
LM: He’s a giant Mexican.
CL: Am I supposed to know all these bands?
Me: Fear Factory has actually been some really popular tours, again, they know nothing about metal; this totally proves it.
Yes you are.
CL: I don’t care. Does anyone here care about fucking band names?
TA: We officially don’t give a fuck about these people you are naming.
Me: STFU! This interview is just showing how dumb and rude the BOS guys are. They should stick to keeping their mouths shut about anything music, drug, or people related.
Alright, one or two more questions and then you guys can be on your way and do whatever you got to do, probably smoke, I’m going to assume.
Which band or person constantly did super crazy shit while you were on tour, and can you think of a specific event?
CL: So on our first tour ever, we got invited to this girl’s mansion.
CL: It was her parents’ mansion.
LM: It was in California.
DD: Northern California.
CL: Her parents owned a pet shop, but that’s beside the fact. So we were playing with a bunch of lizards and stuff.
LM: There’s a huge open bar, so we were all getting wasted.
CL: There’s a giant open bar too in this mansion. So we’re letting all the pets loose with snakes crawling everywhere. I ended up naked and passed out, and I wake up drawn on.
DD: She wrote 7-8-6-1 on his dick.
CL: I wake up to “Oh my god you have a small dick.”
LM: Really, he’s like “What the fuck?”
CL: Why are you even looking at me? Where am I? So I fucking choked her out.
Me: That sounds like fun. Tons of bunches of fun. Really, that is something that they're better off not talking about, because it just makes them look like jackasses. If they're that dumb to get that wasted, then they deserve to have women saying that they have small dicks.
Wait, she said you had a small dick so you choked her?
DD: He full on grabbed her.
What happened to the lizards?
DD: Who cares?
LM: This was all one night.
DD: He grabbed her by the neck and we thought he was going to slam her down.
CL: Then we got kicked out.
DD: Then her dad walks in the house in the next morning, and we’re like, “We gotta go.”
So you’re basically confessing to a crime?
DD: Yes. You wanted some crazy shit, you got the right band.
Me: That's not crazy shit; that's stupid shit. They think they're so 8R00741 because they're confessing to a crime in an interview. It just makes them look like idiots. If someone tells you that you have a small dick, then so be it. There's no need to retaliate. They must have not had enough weed at that time...
How many women do you get… Average. How many women do you sleep with?
CL: Dry bus.
Oh, I do not believe that. The bus might be dry, but where else do you go? Give a guestimate? Per tour, how many women do you get with?
CL: We try. It just doesn’t happen.
Me: They should just stop acting so innocent. If they choked a girl, then they obviously fucked some others. I don't believe it for one second.
Oh, so you have some sort of moral thing going on then.
CL: We’re young and we don’t want to catch anything, you know?
Me: Probably too late for that. lol
Most bands are young and just want to fuck anything that moves. You guys are kind of the opposite of that.
CL: We’re kind of just fucked up people who want to find one person.
Wow, that’s really emo.
DD: I’m wearing girl pants if you didn’t notice.
Are they legitimately women’s pants?
DD: Hell no. I’m just kidding you.
Me: I don't believe that either.
Do you guys have anything that you want to say to everybody at MetalSucks to all your fans?
CL: Metal does suck.
LM: Metal really sucks.
DD: Metal sucks.
CL: And we’re here to prove that to you.
Me: Finally! The moment of truth. Through this interview, they just totally proved that they completely suck. So the moral of this story is, Born of Osiris is a completely shitty and retarded band that don't have sex, choke girls, and now write more melodic music because they're not in high school.
They're not worth listening to... Go listen to Velnias