The Ten MANLIEST Albums Ever

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13 juin 2011, 0h40m

These are the albums that separate the men from everyone else. The albums that will make you cry like a little bitch if you have insufficient testosterone in your system. The albums that make you want to put on a viking helmet and go on a rape-and-pillage-a-thon on your neighborhood.

10
Procession to the Infraworld
by
The Chasm


What better way to begin this list than with a journey through the deepest recesses of an Aztec warrior's tortured soul? Those Aztecs, man, they were some crazy motherfuckers. What with the human sacrifices and high priests eating the still-beating hearts of vanquished enemies. You know who else is a badass motherfucker? Daniel Corchado. And this is the best thing he's ever been credited with.

Manliest lyrics:

With no mercy, marching for revenge,
we the proudest, rise high the flames of victory,
always guided by the eyes of the serpent
with feathers,
always procreating our liberation and destiny.
My castle made of skulls and bones,
and painted with the the entrails of the defeated"

from "Return of the Banished"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Highlander

9
Show No Mercy
by
Slayer


SLA-YER! SLA-YER! SLA-YER! SLA-YER!
It's a chant that's grown rather worn over the years, thanks to more than a decade and a half worth of substandard releases and generally softening with age. But back in the day... oh, man, back in the day when it was just 4 dirty longhairs from L.A., fueled by cheap booze, coke and slasher flicks... in those days, a room would reach a critical mass of manliness within moments just from blasting this fireball of an album.

Manliest lyrics:

You See me Lift The Ax, It Plunges
Through Your Shield
You Now Begin To Panic As You See Your
Chances Grow Slim
You're Running Through The Endless Maze
Turn And I'll Be There
A Force To Strong For You To Fight
Your End I'll See Tonight
You Think You Can Destroy Me? You'd Better Think Again
I Am Eternal Terror My Quest Will Never End
I'll Trap You In The Pentagram
And Seal Your Battered Tomb
Your Life Is Just Another Game
For Satan's Knight Of Doom
from "Face the Slayer"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Evil Dead II

8
An Evil Heat
by
Oxbow


This band debuted in 1989 with an album called Fuckfest. That really says it all right there. Filthy, musky, downright swamplike sludge rock with an ambiance not unlike that of a backwoods cabin deep in the bayou where a dude has been demolishing his favorite piece of ass for 4 days and nights straight with very little rest and no regard for hygiene. It's an act of love, but a very angry, violent and unwholesome sort of love.

Manliest lyrics:

His hand don't rest
shaking and taking
and turning out dust
and he always talking about US
til front door slam and backdoor lock
ind it just you and him
and his lumpy cock
and naked face
in this naked place
from "Sawmill"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Full Metal Jacket [but only because Samuel L. Jackson didn't get his big break until the 90s]

7
War And Pain
by
Voivod


While Voivod didn't really come into their own artistically until their third album Killing Technology, War And Pain is easily them at their ugliest, wildest and most aggressive. Raw, sloppy, take-no-prisoners thrash with lyrics clearly written in the midst of an alcoholic rage-haze. Snake's snarling vocal delivery is especially caustic here, too.

Manliest lyrics:

Let's fight...
We're falling in the dark
And taking the leather straps
We always need a shot
When we're given the notch
Iron gang come hear
Metal noise is near
The eye of war fixes your god
No regret we plunge in the riot
from "Iron Gang"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Escape From New York

6
Iron Fist
by
Motörhead


Truth be told, just about any Motörhead album could've filled this spot. But Iron Fist deserves special mention for having the band's most badass cover art and being the last to feature the classic lineup of Lemmy/Clarke/Taylor. The lyrics are also probably the most alcohol-soaked and uncompromisingly confrontational of any Motörhead album, which is why it edges out Overkill [really a superior album] for this list.

Manliest lyrics:

Sons of bitches, crocodile tears in their eyes
We scare 'em shitless just by showin' up alive
Why don't you tell 'em to shove it
They might as well love it
Give you runaround
Don't let'em grind ya down
from "(Don't Let 'em) Grind Ya Down"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Road House

5
Into Glory Ride
by
Manowar


Before they became a parody of themselves, Manowar spent the early 80s pumping out epic heavy metal at a rate of more than one album per year. This was both the best and most testosterone-soaked of them. Doubt me? Ask yourself this: Does it not take MASSIVE fucking gonads to appear on your own album cover wearing nothing but a loincloth and a pair of fur boots? To say nothing of the glorious lyrics.

Manliest lyrics:

Fallen brother as I hold closed your side
I fear this wound your last.
Mighty earth now doth drink your blood
And I remember days long past.
Your sacrifice so great, rest now take thy sleep
For you shall not awake, let revenge be sweet.
For when we march, your sword rides with me.
You who killed my brother and all who take your side
This be your last hour. Let your steel be tried.
Now turn to face me upon the timeless plane
Kill me if you can.
Death is life!
from "March for Revenge (By the Soldiers of Death)"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Conan the Destroyer

4
Realm of Chaos
by
Bolt Thrower


What's this? How can an album with a WOMAN playing on it even be allowed on the list, you say? Well, I'd say Jo Bench has a bigger pair than just about any dude I know. And this album is proof positive of that. The music on this album is a steamroller with rocket engines barreling down on you while twin roof-mounted gatling guns cut a path through the scenery. You won't find a heavier metal album out there.

Manliest lyrics:

The enemy is now approaching
With bloodlust in their eyes
Intense fear is overcoming
For now death - you will defy
As the battle raged all dead and wounded
Bodies, carnage all you see
The white hot blast - melting flesh
The screaming pain in agony
from "World Eater"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: First Blood

3
Blood Fire Death
by
Bathory


The first true instance of "Viking metal" also represents the genre's peak of unrestrained male bravado. The music is destructive and abrasive as all fuck; Quorthon's vocals are at their gravel-spitting best and the lyrics are... well, just take a look below. Oddly, the cover art is somewhat less manly than those of the two albums immediately before and after it, but it's nonetheless a classic scene of fantastic warfare.

Manliest lyrics:

Soon the dawn shall arise
For all the opressed to arm
A chariot of thunder shall be seen
And bronze horns shall sound the alarm
Fists will raise like hammers
To a cloudy black sky
Bonds and chains fall to the ground
Children of all slaves
Stand united and proud
All people of bondage shall triumph
And live by the sign of...
BLOOD! FIRE! DEATH!
from "Blood Fire Death"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Conan the Barbarian

2
Carnivore
by
Carnivore


When an album contains a song titled "Male Supremacy", there's no question it belongs high on this list. The late, great Peter Steele on his own generated enough testosterone to impregnate any woman who came within 20 feet of him without even touching them. But on this album [as well as its follow-up] the band around him puts up an equally manly performance.

Manliest lyrics:

I live to war it's in my blood if I want it I take
the men I've killed the children slaves
and all the woman I've raped
between my legs I've got what it takes to be called a man
fighting, feasting, fucking all I can
moonlight on horseback till death we will ride
northern winds pushing us towards suicide
Mars god of war masturbating in rage
wild libido I've freed from its cage
from "Male Supremacy"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Mad Max 2 [The Road Warrior]

1
Ample Destruction
by
Jag Panzer


I don't exaggerate one bit when I say that I can feel my balls get heavier when I listen to this record. Truly, the pinnacle of iron-beer-and-sweat metal, Jag Panzer's debut is overstuffed with meaty riffs, epic solos and classic refrains and punctuated Harry "Tyrant" Conklin's spectacular vocal performance. Truly the man has a voice that would make the very walls of Valhalla tremble, and on this album he's at his unrestrained and charismatic best - if women didn't spontaneously disrobe and throw themselves at his feet when they were touring in support of this record I'd be shocked. Hell, even his falsettos sound manly as fuck.
666 FUCKING SCHWARZENEGGERS!

Manliest Lyrics:

Trample the cities leaving dust in our wake
Not a thing left alive, run before it's too late
The women, the children, the young and the old
Nothing will escape the Panzer stronghold
Sound of crushing bones, scent of burning flesh
Posting skulls on a pole terrorizing the rest
We're the restless breed leaving nothin' behind
Can't reason with a man who has death on his mind
Total destruction from the Panzer patrol
Fire and brimstone taking its toll
from "Warfare"

80s Action Film it's most similar to: Predator

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