The ExMF (Bi-)Weekly: The Top 5 Most Pretentious Black Metal Bands


26 sept. 2011, 3h00m

Since its humble, church-charring roots among the streets of Olso, Black Metal has always attracted the "we are better than you, but not happy about it" type. When you biggest, most recognizable personalities come up with names like Count Grishnackh and Euronymous and start underground record labels in half decrepit buildings to hang out and talk about corn flakes, your underground cool factor is probably pretty high amongst a certain crowd.

Whether they like to admit it or not, the history of Black Metal is largely an underground hipster reaction to the increasing popularity of Death and Thrash Metal. In other words, the cool kids(and foreign too, so that doubles the cool) got too awesome for that faggot Death Metal shit and started being trve as fuck to make a point. A point that... they were indeed fucking trve. But not only trve, but also grimm. And whatever other purposely misspelled adjectives they could come up with to quantify how fucking awesome they are. But only the trvest, grimmest mother fuckers made this list. Or the most pretentious douche bags. You decide.

Varg Vikernes aka. Burzum aka. Count Grishnackh
The OG of Black Metal, Varg Vikernes was the trvest dude in the Olso hood. I mean, for all the various mischief that the youngsters of the Second Wave got their sticky little hands into, Varg was the only guy who verifiably murdered a mother fucker. And not just any mother fucker, but his colleague Euronymous. And not just murdered, but stabby stabby stab stab 20 fucking times, including a jab right into Euronymous' skull. So unlike some of the others on this list, Varg has some actual street cred. But once in prison, we learned just how much of a pretentious douche bag Varg was. For starters, he declared stringed instruments and drums as "things black people use, and therefore un-usable by his pure Aryan hands". In other words, between his daily prison beatings, the guards told him he could not have an electric guitar and a drum kit. Of course, rather than just say that to explain his rash of New Wave albums he released from prison, he instead tried to make a point about racial purity and affect the course of the genre he helped create from prison. And of course, once free from prison he went right back to playing the guitar and "mis-remembering" his previous comments. Ya know, maybe Varg isn't just a pretentious douche bag: maybe he is just a douche bag.

Deathspell Omega
France is the smelly asshole of pretentiousness. Since the days of Louis XIV and his massive powered wigs, France has been the trail blazer of ultimate douche baggery. For fucks sake, they eat frogs and snails because other European nations are not cool enough to eat disgusting shit found in my bathroom. French Black Metal is no exception, and Deathspell Omega are among the most pretentious of all. Not that you could tell that to their frilly French faces: no one is really sure who they are. That is right: no information is available about the bands membership, their lyrics are either in French or Latin(well known as the 2 gayest languages in history) and their actual philosophy is a fuckall mystery. What are you hiding Deathspell Omega? Are you afraid we will mock your douchebag beards and love of wine?

Most of the bands on this list are on this list because they are so infatuated with the culture of Black Metal, they become caricatures of said culture. Hunter Hunt-Hendrix(Jesus fucking Christ. How obvious is it that this guy will be a douche bag?) said “Fuck this shit. I am the coolest dude I know, and I know a lot of people. I can change everything about Black Metal in one fell swoop. People will flock to me and I will bestow upon them a new paradigm of… oh shit, Doctor Who is on!” Triple H, and I shall now refer to him, describes Liturgy and their music as a new “Black Metal Manifesto” for how the genre will be in the future. Describing his Krallice cover band as “transcendental Black Metal” and looking like a total tool, Triple H laid down the fucking law on all these corpse-painted faggots and let them know how things will be done in the future. And then everyone laughed at him, which must have been a huge fucking shock after spending his days as the life of the PBR Mixer.

Peste Noire
We all knew France would be back on this list, and to be honest, I could make a list of 20 French Black Metal bands whose tool level is around 9.5. But Peste Noire is a special case. Led by their cracked headed looking singer La Sale Famine de Valfunde(Holy shit, I though Triple H was bad), Peste Noire make unlistenable, poorly played Black Metal that has become hugely popular amongst people who like this sort of thing. Common words used to describe the group, who dress like bikers and use bird calls in their poorly played songs, are “ironic,” “cynical,” and “shitty”(ok, that last one is just mine). Ironic and cynical are well known code words for “douche bag” and “tool.” What is worse? Peste Noire openly embrace these descriptors and their fans still love them. Can’t say much for the intelligence of some Black Metal fans can we?

“Dude, have you heard Silencer? It’s a one man Black Metal band whose singer is totally fucking crazy, cuts himself and shit and screams like a dying cat! No one who likes music likes them, so obviously they are fucking cool. I need a clover man.” The above sentence, taken from my shitty impersonation of a shitty Black Metal fan, about sums up what Nattramn, the man with the dying cat voice, wants you to know. He also wants you to know that he has spent time in an insane asylum, which makes him even cooler. Of course, none of these stories can be confirmed. Nattramn also wants you to know that. He wants you to know he is indeed crazy, but that he might not be. In other words: “I can’t find a good explanation for my horrible vocals, so I am just crazy I guess…or am I?” No, you are just really kind of a tool. Now quit torturing that fucking cat.
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  • Mercenarion

    I love 3/5 of these bands and I somewhat agree. [2]

    26 sept. 2011, 19h57m
  • Joe_Towse

    I love 4/5 of these bands and I've never heard Liturgy. But let's face it, black metal was made for pretension. Even when THAT video to 'The Call Of The Wintermoon' was recorded, it was supposed to be sort of elitist and pretentious - two things which are often difficult to separate. A more appropriate challenge would be to find 5, nay, a single non-pretentious BM band.

    27 sept. 2011, 7h22m
  • HammerDod

    I love 2/5 of these bands and I somewhat agree.

    3 oct. 2011, 1h14m
  • Pseudomancer

    I lol'd.

    3 oct. 2011, 3h32m
  • Joe_Towse

    I'm guessing the 'other' not so well liked one is Silencer? GREAT BAND

    3 oct. 2011, 11h45m
  • Nergal131

    I just knew Liturgy was gonna be on this list ever since that hilarious interview.

    17 oct. 2011, 21h49m
  • Mercenarion

    The interview is classic.

    17 oct. 2011, 22h43m
  • PolteritO

    hmm seems like PETA is after Nattramn...thought the album is cool anyway

    20 oct. 2011, 22h34m
  • DhinnChaakDoom

    Totally agree. I like DSO for their instrumental proficiency though.

    30 déc. 2011, 8h28m
  • Dezstruction78

    Very entertaining article.

    7 fév. 2012, 3h09m
  • true_eZKatoN

    I want more.

    11 mars 2012, 14h10m
  • lordpiffington

    "Whether they like to admit it or not, the history of Black Metal is largely an underground hipster reaction to the increasing popularity of Death and Thrash Metal" so true.

    15 mars 2012, 22h35m
  • lordpiffington

    lol french and latin, the two gayest languages

    15 mars 2012, 22h37m
  • purplehazethc

    Might as well add Wolves In The Throne Room, uhhh I mean, coffee shop.

    4 avr. 2012, 5h57m
  • althefknamsrtkn

    Silencer is musically decent (really!), but like most BM made after the mid-90s, it just feels disposable somehow. If Silencer never made an album I think my life wouldn't be changed for the worse. Same applies the other three (not so much Varg).

    25 sept. 2013, 19h07m
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