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One night I was at my computer listening to an original pressing of Black Sabbath's first album while discussing witchcraft and Occultism on myspace with a few of my friends (who happen to be in KVLT and TR00 black metal bands that only released 50 copies of their one and only recording, and only 10 out of 50 of those albums sold, the recording was recorded on a faulty tape cassette player from 1984) a guy named Gary Gus confronted me and told me that he has come down from Metal Heaven to tell me that I am the Tr00est metal head on Earth and has a reward for me. He would read out the rules of the metal gods, which to be honest was incredibly fucking BORING! what a shit cunt! Firstly he tells me I am the Tr00est KVLT Metull guy on planet Earth now he is lecturing me.

so according to Gary Gus AKA The Mettul God you must follow these rules, its a 3 strikes and your out thing, break 3 of them and you will NEVER reach metal heaven and but worst of all be a completely failed P0000000SER!!!!11111

1 Ignore people who dont like Metal they aren't worth your time.

2 you're not aloud to think its okay for Thrash and Grind bands to forget their punk influence.

3 No Deathcore, Nu Metal or Metalcore if you listen to it you are sinning! The metal gods HATE sinning!!

4 We all love the band Death!!!(except for a few fags who wont be going to Metal Heaven) but name dropping them to seem cool makes you a poser, and stop saying they are "DA GREATIST DETH METUL BAND EVA11111!!!!!!!" because their DM bands that are also just as great.

5 Death>Morbid Angel>Possessed don't agree? well fuck you then! THE METAL GODS WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!

6 Black Sabbath or get the fuck out!

7 Doom Metal is awesome if you think its slow! and boring you have the the smartness are cleverness that good ol' drugged fucked Ozzy has in his old age.

8 666 refers to Iron Maiden not Satan, AND no im not 555 and your not 666 you fucking maggoty ass poser!

9 No Dyed Black Emo Haircuts and no 40 + piercings! sorry if you have those then you cannot be in our KVLT and TR00 Metal Club.

10 No Cannibal Corpse's album Kill is NOT their best album! ITS NOT EVEN A FUCKING DEATH METAL ALBUM!!!!! If you want to hear Cannibal Corpse playing Death Metal listen to anything else they did, but if you want them playing awesome Death Metal listen to the first 4 with Chris Barnes, but not Six Feet Under!!!!

11 Korn did NOT bring back metal in the 90's!

12 If you own Cryptopy's: The Unspoken King, Entombed: Vampire Blues, and any thing that In Flames did in the 2000's YOU WILL BE BANISHED FROM METAL HEAVEN!!!!!

13 the more shows you go to the more metal points you get, and when you harm or injure a scene poser you hit the metal jack pot! ;)

14 NO KARATE BULLSHIT IN THE MOSH!!!!!!

15 Its Okay if your a Black Metal band to steal your lyrics from books on Satanism, Occultism and Witch Craft and its also okay if you are a Goregrind band and steal your lyrics from Medical Journals

There was another 2 pages but they somehow disappeared when I went to Norway, It got stolen by some assholes who ran out of Joint rolling papers, FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!

If there are any mistakes its the Metal god's fault so blame them NOT me!

As of Saturday February 13 2009, Metal’s initial offering - the reknown and revered Black Sabbath self-titled LP turned 40 years old. For fans of the music, including myself, this begs the question of who will follow this style long after the inevitable demise of the band?

You can’t kill the Metal, and we can all agree that Scandinavia is perhaps the coolest region for Metal. Do you love Death Metal, Black Metal, among other dozens of forms of Extreme Metal? A substantial cut of their asses are certainly owed to that specific region for their creations and maintenance. Do you love Traditional Heavy Metal - As in the prototypical sound of the more classical guard of the genre; pioneered by the formative works of Sabbath, Rush and Rainbow, the expansive New Wave of British Heavy Metal dream team of impact players Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Motörhead & Venom, alongside Diamond Head, Angel Witch, early-Def Leppard and Doom Metallers Witchfinder General and Pagan Altar, as well as American acts such as Pentagram, Saint Vitus/ The Obsessed, Trouble and Manilla Road?

Perhaps you’ve imagined what Jethro Tull might have sounded like if Tony Iommi stayed…. Ok, maybe I’m the only one who’s ever pondered this for more than 5 seconds (needless to say, that would’ve been awesome) but nonetheless up the irons and check out all these awesome Scandinavian Traditional Heavy Metal acts. And add any that I most likely missed.

- Candlemass: “Please let me die in Solitude”

And so we begin with arguably the most historically significant of the batch. Candlemass, alongside Bathory and At the Gates represent Sweden’s most notable of bands. And you’ve probably heard “Witches” a few times if you own Brutal Legend. Their career is highlighted by an 80s 4-album hot streak with Epicus Doomicus Metallicus/Nightfall/Ancient Dreams/Dark Reflections, a brief stint with Michael Amott in the 90s whom I will talk about more, and a fierce re-emergence of the 80s lineup in 2005. Messiah Marcolin, their most recognized member has since moved on, but the band has settled upon the suitably proven Robert Lowe of Solitude Aeturnus &Concept of God and continue to kick ass to this day.

- Spiritual Beggars: In between the time period after Michael Amott left his post in the unforgettably gruesome death metal assault Carcass, and before his current melodic death metal project Arch Enemy hit its stride, he formed this more traditional rock-oriented band corresponding with Carcass’ traditional rock direction that they went with Swansong. Prior to Amott’s involvement with the recent Carcass reunion, his Spiritual Beggars works alternated with his Arch Enemy. Oh what will ever become of what looks to be the Swedish equivalent to Monster Magnet? The band also features Per Wiberg currently of Opeth.

- Grand Magus: Traditional Doom Metal band featuring the lead singer of Spiritual Beggars. Have recently signed on to Roadrunner Records – lets just hope they won’t have to be involved with curtain-jerking any Nickelcrap or Shitknot tours.

- Count Raven: Another active Swedish traditional doom cut from the 80s. Vocalist Christian Lindersson (AKA Chritus) served time with Saint Vitus, recording the album C.O.D. with the band, and also supplies vocals for Lord Vicar and Terra Firma, which I will also include in the list.

- Reverend Bizarre: Monstrous Traditional Doom Metal from Finland; disbanded since 2007. In The Rectory… & II – Crush The Insects are among favorites of the author…and the band name is simply made of epic and win. Guitarist Peter Vicar has since formed:

- Lord Vicar: After Reverend Bizarre called it a day, guitarist Peter Vicar formed this band. Also featuring the aforementioned Christian Lindersson.

- Terra Firma: Chritus’s 3rd band rooted heavily upon Traditional Doom.

- Spiritus Mortis: Finnish Traditional Doom now featuring Sami Hynninen formerly of Reverend Bizarre and The Puritan

- Isole: Recent Swedish Traditional Doom.

- Minotauri: Now defunct Finnish Traditional Doom.

- Witchcraft: Smashing Retro-style Traditional Heavy Metal with elements of early ‘Stones-styled Rhythm & Blues Rock and Psychedelia. They played the one-night Ozzfest in 2008 as a second-stage act. Recommended!

- Graveyard: Another pick from the author (their S/T is one of the most even traditional Rock albums from this time period that I’ve heard)…Traditional Heavy Metal fused with elements of formative Rock ‘n’ Roll in the style of Cream and Benefit-era Jethro Tull…Also draws elements of Soundgarden and Danzig. Have recently toured the States with CKY and The Sword.

- Asteroid: Much like Graveyard’s Blues-flavoring of modern traditional rock, with just a bit more Kyuss/ Orange Goblin-ish Stoner elements. Their second album has recently been released and so far is among a top release for the author for this year.

- Sideburn: More of the same variation as above, but goodness does that band name kick ass or what?

- Burning Saviours: Their name is a reference to a mind-melting Pentagram tune. They seem to play doomified folk-style heavy metal – kickass! After releasing a few albums, they too have since called it a day. Bummer.

- Enforcer: Swedish 80s-style metal. Recently did a headlining run throughout the US.

- The Devil's Blood: Ominous female-fronted Danish psychedelia that looks to tear up Wacken, Metalcamp, Party.San, Hole In The Sky and Hellfest. And if my mind serves me right, have recently toured the US alongside Pentagram. Man, I wish I lived in Europe…

- Dead Man: Obscure Swedish psychedelia related to Graveyard.

- Black Bonzo: And now we go to the prog acts. This could definitely represent the modern, Swedish equivalent to Yes, with Folk-inspired vocals.

- Beardfish: Swedish Prog similar to 80s-King Crimson among others. Were slated to appear on the 2009 edition of the Prog Nation tour, but things apparently went awry with the record company which forced them to drop.
Last, but not least…

- Dungen: Swedish Hippie Music?!? Awesome.

- Dollhouse: Just for fun – Modern Garage Rock!! Oh the things that you’ll find in a magazine sampler…


In closing: Praise, Metal lives 40 years and strong! Doom On, Up The Irons, and Long Live Rock as well.

Dio Deep Purple Electric Wizard Alice Cooper Alice in Chains Dream Theater Fates Warning The Gates of Slumber Sleep High on Fire Cathedral Bigelf Priestess sHEAVY Hyperion Dethlehem Argus While Heaven Wept Icarus Witch Mantic Ritual Doomriders Early Man Witch Warbringer King Diamond Mercyful Fate Van Halen Ratt Spirit Caravan Wino Shrinebuilder Iced Earth Helloween Blind Guardian Megadeth Accept Anthrax Slayer Sepultura Sodom Voivod 3 Inches of Blood Brocas Helm Cirith Ungol Overkill Dark Angel Exodus Arghoslent The Doors Metallica UFO Autopsy Acid Witch Queensrÿche AC/DC Dark Tranquillity Ozzy Osbourne Black Label Society Blue Öyster Cult Thin Lizzy Edge of Sanity The Answer Anvil

* denotes a particularly good performance
\m/ indicates that the mind was blown during performance
Random musings and anything else is indicated in parentheses…

3
3 Inches of Blood *
36 Crazyfists (lol)
Abigail Williams
Abscess
Absu *
Aerosmith
After the Burial (fail)
Alice Cooper \m/
The Amenta
Amon Amarth *
Arsis
Asphyx *
Atheist *
Augury
Aura Noir *
Behemoth (3x)
Beneath the Massacre (2x)
Between the Buried and Me (2x, sucked both times)
Bigelf *
The Black Dahlia Murder (sucked)
Black Sabbath (Heaven & Hell) \m/
Blackguard (2x)
Blue Öyster Cult *
Bolt Thrower (2x) \m/
Born of Osiris (fail)
Brutal Truth
Cannibal Corpse *
Carcass *
Carnifex (fail)
Cattle Decapitation (2x)
Cauldron
Cephalic Carnage
Children of Bodom
CKY (left halfway thru set)
Converge (lol)
Cynic (2x, met Paul Masvidal) *
Daath
Darkane
Darkest Hour
Def Leppard
Deströyer 666 *
Dethklok
DevilDriver (sucked)
Devin Townsend \m/
Devourment (ewwww)
Dimmu Borgir
Dio (Heaven & Hell; amazing) \m/
DragonForce (left after first song.. lol)
Dream Theater *
Dying Fetus
Eagles *
Enforcer (left after second song)
Ensiferum (2x) *
Enslaved *
Ex Deo (Kataklysm but Roman…lol)
Exodus *
Extreme
The Faceless
The Gates of Slumber *
General Surgery
Goatwhore (2x)
Godsmack (lol)
Gojira (2x)
Graveyard *
GWAR (hahaha)
Hail of Bullets
High on Fire *
Immolation \m/
In Flames
Into Eternity (2x)
Invitro (lol)
Job for a Cowboy (sucked)
Joe Satriani
John Petrucci
Judas Priest \m/
Kataklysm *
Keep of Kalessin
Killswitch Engage (fucking horrible)
KISS *
LaZarus A.D.
Mastodon
Mayhem
Mötley Crüe *
Motörhead \m/
Mushroomhead
Napalm Death (2x) \m/
Necrophagist
Obituary * (met John Tardy)
Opeth (2x) \m/
Origin
Paul Gilbert
Pentagram \m/
Phobia
Pig Destroyer
Priestess *
Psycroptic
Queen + Paul Rodgers
Ratt
Rose Funeral (fail)
Rush \m/
Samael
Scale The Summit (2x)
Shadows Fall
The Showdown
Sigh
Skeletonwitch (2x)
Slayer \m/
Soilwork (left halfway thru set)
Suffocation (2x)
Suicide Silence (lol)
Swallow the Sun
Swashbuckle (lol)
The Sword *
Tesla
Testament *
Theory Of A Dead Man
Thy Will Be Done
Toxic Holocaust
Trap Them
Trans-Siberian Orchestra (3x, met twice)
Unleashed
Vader
Warbringer (2x)
Whitechapel (lol)
Winds of Plague (lol)
Wolves in the Throne Room *
Zappa Plays Zappa \m/
ZZ Top

LOCAL BANDS
As Fate Burns
Argus
Burning The Chapel
Call To Attraction
Crown the Lost
Death To Eternity
Dethlehem (2x)
Failure to Fall
HollowPoint (4x)
Hyperion (about a dozen times)
Icarus Witch
Katharsis
Kamikabe
Keelhaul (Cleveland)
The Last Hope
Mantic Ritual
Midnight (Cleveland)
Neocracy
Stinking Lizaveta (Philadelphia)
Once Nothing
Oh Shit They’re Going to Kill Us
When All Else Fails
XVX

Bathory: Under The Sign Of The Black Mark
Mercyful Fate: Melissa
Venom: Black Metal
Dissection: Storm Of The Lights Bane
Celtic Frost: To The Mega Therion
Grand Belials Key: Mocking The Philanthropist
Venom: Welcome To Hell
Burzum: S/T
Mayhem: De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas
Marduk: Fuck Me Jesus(demo)

Demolition Hammer: Epidemic Of Violence
Exodus: Bonded By Blood
Sodom: Agent Orange
Rigor Mortis: S/T
Slayer: Reign In Blood
Megadeth: Rust In Peace
S.O.D: Speak English Or Die
Artillery: By Inheritance
Incubus(Louisiana): Beyond The Unknown
Megadeth: Peace Sells But Who's Buying?

Demilich: Nespithe
Gorguts: Considered Dead
Death: Leprosy
Suffocation: Effigy Of The Forgotten
Cryptopsy: None So Vile
Dismember: like An Ever Flowing Stream
Sinister: Cross The Styx
Asphyx: Last One On Earth
Pestilence: Malleus Maleficarum
Obituary: Slowly We Rot

Repulsion: Horrified
Last Days Of Humanity: Putrefaction In Progress
Napalm Death: Scum
Insert Warfare: World Extermination
Brutal Truth: Extreme Conditions Demand Extreme Responses
Napalm Death: For Ensalvement to Obileration
Carcass: Reek Of Putrefaction
Cripple Bastards: your Lies in check
Terrorizer: World Downfall
Phobia: Return to Desolation

Katatonia: Brave Murder Day
dISEMBOWELMENT: Transcendence into the Peripheral
Satarnus: Paradise Belongs To You
Winter: Into Darkness
Anathema: The Silent Enigma
Candlemass: Night fall
Black Sabbath: Sabbath Bloody Sabbath
Saint Vitus: Born Too Late
Thergothen: Stream From The Heavens
Electric Wizard: Dopethrone